I went to the bar. I got nervous and shy right off the bat, but then the cute bartender said hi to me and talked a bit.
I went out for a smoke shortly after he got off, and he came out not long after. I said, “I wanted to apologize for the comment card my friend left. I hope it didn’t make you uncomfortable.”
He said, “There’s no need to apologize. I found it…endearing. Notice how I’m not avoiding you.”
When he went back in, he sat next to my bar regular friend I’d been sitting by. We all chatted some more and I mentioned my band’s show tomorrow. I had flyers and he grabbed one. After looking at it, he said, “It’s too bad I’m working until 1am…and then working again at 8. I could come at then end and be like, ‘You were awesome! Need a beer?’ But then I’d have to leave.”
So instead, he distributed my flyers throughout the bar. Maybe I might hit the bar up after my gig……
Today is my Friday, and the cute bartender is working. I could go out, but instead I’m at home feeling cowardly.
I’m just nervous because I think he knows I’m into him. Well, he’s got to. When I was there with a friend on Sat, she wrote a comment card that said, “My friend is single and ready to…flirt with you some more.” I thought it was funny, but I’m getting in my head too much now.
BOOBS ARE LITERALLY LUMPS WITH SMALLER LUMPS ON TOP WHAT IS SO SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE ABOUT A LUMP!!!!
What is sexually attractive about any human body part really? Penises are just tubes with lumps connected to them. Asses are also just lumps. Your face is just a collection of different types of lumps and there’s a hole on it. Everything is just a lump. I can’t get off to this. Now, a rhombus, that’s something I could fuck the shit out of.
When you are hurting, there will always be people who find a way to make it about themselves. If you break your wrist, they’ll complain about a sprained ankle. If you are sad, they’re sadder. If you’re asking for help, they’ll demand more attention.
Here is a fact: I was in a hospital and sobbing into my palms when a woman approached me and asked why I was making so much noise and I managed to stutter that my best friend shot himself in the head and now he was 100% certified dead and she made this little grunt and had the nerve to tell me, “Well now you made me sad.”
When you get angry, there are going to be people who ask you to shut up and sit down, and they’re not going to do it nicely. Theirs are the faces that turn bright red before you have a chance to finish your sentence. They won’t ask you to explain yourself. They’ll be mad that you’re mad and that will be their whole reason alone.
Here is a fact: I was in an alleyway a few weeks ago, stroking my friend’s back as she vomited fourteen tequila shots. “I hate men,” she wheezed as her sides heaved, “I hate all of them.”
I braided her hair so it wouldn’t get caught in the mess. I didn’t correct her and reply that she does in fact love her father and her little brother too, that there are strangers she has yet to meet that will be better for her than any of her shitty ex-boyfriends, that half of our group of friends identifies as male - I could hear each of her bruises in those words and I didn’t ask her to soften the blow when she was trying to buff them out of her skin. She doesn’t hate all men. She never did.
She had the misfortune to be overheard by a drunk guy in an ill-fitting suit, a boy trying to look like a man and leering down my dress as he stormed towards us. “Fuck you, lady,” he said, “Fuck you. Not all men are evil, you know.”
“Thanks,” I told him dryly, pulling on her hand, trying to get her inside again, “See you.”
He followed us. Wouldn’t stop shouting. How dare she get mad. How dare she was hurting. “It’s hard for me too!” he yowled after us. “With fuckers like you, how’s a guy supposed to live?”
Here’s a fact: my father is Cuban and my genes repeat his. Once one of my teachers looked at my heritage and said, “Your skin doesn’t look dirty enough to be a Mexican.”
When my cheeks grew pink and my tongue dried up, someone else in the classroom stood up. “You can’t say that,” he said, “That’s fucking racist. We could report you for that.”
Our teacher turned vicious. “You wanna fail this class? Go ahead. Report me. I was joking. It’s my word against yours. I hate kids like you. You think you’ve got all the power - you don’t. I do.”
Later that kid and I became close friends and we skipped class to do anything else and the two of us were lying on our backs staring up at the sky and as we talked about that moment, he sighed, “I hate white people.” His girlfriend is white and so is his mom. I reached out until my fingers were resting in the warmth of his palm.
He spoke up each time our teacher said something shitty. He failed the class. I stayed silent. I got the A but I wish that I didn’t.
Here is a fact: I think gender is a social construct and people that want to tell others what defines it just haven’t done their homework. I personally happen to have the luck of the draw and am the same gender as my sex, which basically just means society leaves me alone about this one particular thing.
Until I met Alex, who said he hated cis people. My throat closed up. I’m not good at confrontation. I avoided him because I didn’t want to bother him.
One day I was going on a walk and I found him behind our school, bleeding out of the side of his mouth. The only thing I really know is how to patch people up. He winced when the antibacterial cream went across his new wounds. “I hate cis people,” he said weakly.
I looked at him and pushed his hair back from his head. “I understand why you do.”
Here is a fact: anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is how people stop themselves from hurting. Anger is how people stop themselves by empathizing.
It is easy for the drunken man to be mad at my friend. If he says “Hey, fuck you, lady,” he doesn’t have to worry about what’s so wrong about men.
It’s easy for my teacher to fail the kids who speak up. If we’re just smart-ass students, it’s not his fault we fuck up.
It’s easy for me to hate Alex for labeling me as dangerous when I’ve never hurt someone a day in my life. But I’m safe in my skin and his life is at risk just by going to the bathroom. I understand why he says things like that. I finally do.
There’s a difference between the spread of hatred and the frustration of people who are hurting. The thing is, when you are broken, there will always be someone who says “I’m worse, stop talking.” There will always be people who are mad you’re trying to steal the attention. There will always be people who get mad at the same time as you do - they hate being challenged. It changes the rules.
I say I hate all Mondays but my sister was born on one and she’s the greatest joy I have ever known. I say I hate brown but it’s really just the word and how it turns your mouth down - the colour is my hair and my eyes and my favorite sweater. I say I hate pineapple but I still try it again every Easter, just to see if it stings less this year. It’s okay to be sad when you hear someone generalize a group you’re in. But instead of assuming they’re evil and filled with hatred, maybe ask them why they think that way - who knows, you might just end up with a new and kind friend.
”—By telling the oppressed that their anger is unjustified, you allow the oppression to continue. I know it’s hard to stay calm. I know it’s scary. But you’re coming from the safe place and they aren’t. Just please … Try to be more understanding. /// r.i.d (via inkskinned)
Rules: Always post the rules. Answer the questions of the person who tagged you and write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people and link them. Let them know they are tagged.
1. If you could say one thing to President Obama, what would you say? ”No matter what history says about you, who disagrees with you, and what mistakes you might make, you will always be important to me. You were the first president I felt represented by, and I hope that it leads to more inclusion of all people in government positions.”
2. Would you rather cook a great meal to serve someone or go to your dream restaurant for a free meal? Dream restaurant.
3. Is there a song you cannot listen to because of the memories it brings up? If so, what song and what artist? I used to not be able to listen to John Legend because I had this huge crush on a guy at the end of college and he gave me 4 burned CDs including Get Lifted. Looking back, he was so NOT important, but for a while I couldn’t listen to that CD.
After breaking up with my most recent ex, I had trouble listening to Elbow - Mirrorball. It was playing during our first kiss. Again, I’m fine with it now.
Short answer: no.
4. If you could time travel backwards but know it’s a one-way trip back, what era would you like to travel to/live in? One-way trip? No way. If it wasn’t one-way, I’d prob visit Great Britain in the 60s.
5. What is your favorite sandwich? Maybe my egg+PB+salsa con queso sammich. Or havarti and prosciutto on a croissant.
6. What is one thing you’re secretly great at but almost never get to demonstrate? It used to be singing. Maybe designing clothes. I haven’t done it much since college. Though, I am working on some new outfits for the band peeps.
7. Puffed or crunchy, what is your stand on cheez doodles? Puffed.
8. Do you have anything from your childhood that you have kept as a memento? Tons of stuff. I have the motif from my baby quilt. I have my first teddy bear. I have a whole box of mementos from elementary school on down to present day.
9. What book should I read next and why? I feel like I’m not well-equipped to recommend books that most people haven’t already read.
10. Is soft ice cream a legitimate treat? Why wouldn’t it be?
11. What celebrities are on your “hall pass” list? I don’t currently need one, but I do have a list.
5. Richard Armitage
My 11 questions:
1. What is your dream job (if you’re not already doing it)?
2. Who is your role model; someone you aspire to be like?
3. Who is your favorite musical artist of all time?
4. Why are they your favorite?
5. What is your favorite place in the world you’ve visited?
6. If you had 10 million dollars, what would you do with it?
7. What was a moment in your life where you felt immensely proud of yourself?
8. Describe your ideal vacation.
9. If you could relive your life with all of the experience and knowledge you have now, would you?